Photo: Ed Yourdon / Flickr

Have you ever heard someone say, ‘My husband and I never fight; we get along perfectly all the time’? If you have, you probably thought there was something fishy going on. And you would be right. Relationships without conflict are rarely very intimate or functional. The fact that you fight is less important than the way you fight. So experts offer a variety of techniques for fair fighting that could increase the health of your relationship.

No fighting

Conflict occurs when people establish boundaries, when they are confronted with differing views and when they have to assert themselves. If none of these things are happening in the relationship it means that one or both partners are neglecting their own reality in favour of blending with the other. While it is necessary to compromise in a relationship, it is never good to neglect one’s own individuality.

Too much fighting

On the other hand some couples fight excessively over the smallest things. A disagreement over packing the dishwasher, or the remote control, can explode into hours of useless battling and do a lot of damage in the process. For this reason it is important to learn and practice basic fair fighting habits, so that once the fight is over, the relationship remains in tact.

Fair fighting

Here are some basic tips:

• Stick to the topic. You can only resolve one thing at a time. Dredging up past hurts or other major concerns confuses the issue.
• Make ‘I’ statements and say how you feel rather than making accusations. For example say, ‘I feel hurt and confused right now. I don’t understand why you did that’ rather than ‘You are so selfish. You don’t care how I feel!’
• Take turns to talk. When one person has finished speaking repeat back to them what you have understood. This helps to make each person feel that they have been heard.
• Call time-out when things get too heated and return to the discussion when you have both cooled down.

Fair fighting is better than no fighting at all. And if you both commit to following the rules you open space for both people to interact and remain exactly who they are.