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A need for control may stem from a fear of letting go and trusting another person in case one is rejected in any way. This can mask a fear of intimacy. Those who constantly notice the negative aspects of their loved ones may also be avoiding intimacy. The same applies to people who constantly distract themselves with various people and activities: it keeps loved ones away. Then there are those who dislike vulnerability in others. They won’t commit emotionally for fear of dependence.

The effect of identity on intimacy

Intimacy has been described by pioneering psychologist Erik Erikson as an ability to fuse one’s identity with somebody else’s without the fear of possibly losing it. A person who is insecure or uncertain of their identity will often avoid close connections. This lack of identity can show up in sexual connections that lack any meaning.

The cost of avoiding intimacy

People who are prone to avoiding intimacy with loved ones don’t get to experience feelings of acceptance and togetherness. Intimacy is facilitated by self-disclosure which includes sharing one’s private thoughts with another person. In difficult times, those who feel vulnerable or fear rejection may push away the very people who are best able to support them.

The end result may be a loss of self-worth. Not only that, people who avoid intimacy may also experience feelings of isolation, loneliness and anxiety. Avoiding intimate connections with others can lead to emotional and psychological pain.

Commitment and trust

Intimacy becomes possible when two equal individuals commit to a trusting partnership. They allow for compromise because they care about one another’s happiness. They have empathy, understanding and open communication. As a result, they feel that they can count on each other in good times and bad times.

To achieve true intimacy, one has to open up to the other and share one’s thoughts and feelings. One must be willing to trust and share. This can take courage and may feel risky. But the risk may well be worth it. Research has shown that those who are able to commit to a partnership based on trust experience reduced levels of loneliness and anxiety.

Tags: relationships